It's Not Politics. It's the Lack of Grace

The divide in America is steeped in our own selfishness

Photo by Vie Studio

A few days ago, I played golf with some strangers. I went out as a single and as is often the case, I was asked to join three other men to make a foursome. Nearly every time I find myself in this situation, the day goes well. Four hours with people you have never met before, coming together for a common purpose, a game they all love. Golf can do that like no other sport. It’s an inherently communal experience.

Somewhere around the 14th hole while waiting at a tee box for players ahead of us to clear the green, one of the men began to talk about how he was ready to move out of the state.

“Illinois is just too expensive,” he said. “I’m going to Tennessee.”

“You know why it’s so expensive, right?” another said. “Those fucking Democrats.”

I stayed silent, steering clear of such topics with people I barely know.

The men bashed every Democratic politician they could think of, complaining about spending too much, programs that they believe don’t work, and how we as a nation have failed to navigate the migrant crisis.

“I told my daughter we should just give them a meal and a ticket out of town.”

“Right on,” another replied.

There was more about taxes and guns and why we aren’t saying the Lord’s Prayer in schools.

I remained quiet. Admittedly, however, it was difficult.

Eventually the conversation turned.

“What are you doing for Father’s Day?” one asked.

“My daughters are taking me to the Cubs game,” one man said. And then he recalled a story about how his daughter from a very young age had always brought her mitt to the game, hoping to catch a foul ball. One time she decided not to bring it, he continued. “I never get a ball,” she told her father. He encouraged her to consider bringing it as she always had before. In the end, she didn’t. Somewhere in the early innings, a foul ball came their way. Her father reached up high to snag it with his bare hand. “Daddy! Wow. Thank you. You’re going to give it to me?” the girl asked.

His response said it all.

“No,” he said to his daughter. “Get your own ball.”

At first I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

Our divided world is not about politics; it’s about empathy. It’s about selfishness. It’s about “I got mine.” It’s about “I don’t care about you. I got what I need and you, well, you’ll just have to work harder.” This young girl who loved being at baseball games was told by her own father to “get your own.”

I stood silent. A bit shaken. And for a moment I wondered: Was this father trying to teach his daughter a lesson? Was this some parental strategy?

It wasn’t. It was selfishness. Pure and unquestioned.

I may or may not have agreed with the political conversation that day. And even though some of it was disturbing for me, I attempted to give their views some space. We can’t always agree, and certainly not when the divides are as far apart as they have been since the 1960s. But what happened to empathy and kindness? It seems these are qualities we all know are good, ones we can agree on, but many today consider them only important when it is in their best interest to invoke them. Instead, selfishness wins. And for many, selfishness, this lack of grace has become acceptable. It is seen as a God-given right, a right to be narcissistic, self-centered, greedy. It even fuels the unchecked over-the-top patriotism that blinds many—like an alcoholic who fails to acknowledge his problem.

This story is not about the political divide, even though that division is omnipresent. This is a story about something deeper: The lack of empathy and the seemingly growing chasm between humans on this most basic level. Our humanity is at stake. Political divides have fueled this, I believe, with many seeing selfishness now as an attribute worthy of praise. It’s an element of the human condition that has always been there, lurking in the shadows. But now its ugliness is fully legitimized through the cultural and political abyss we have allowed to overtake our shared humanness. When we lose empathy, we lose everything.

This may be only one incident, yes, but it was the one that clearly revealed a cultural illness. It was the one that brought into focus what I believe is core to what ails us. What would happen if we were all a bit less selfish, a bit less about ourselves, and a little more about the community of man?

I’m afraid we have forgotten our best selves.

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David W. Berner is the author of several award-winning books of fiction and memoir. His memoir Daylight Saving Time: The Power of Growing Older is available now for pre-order.